Thursday, December 08, 2005

And the Darwin Award Goes to...

Veer Zaara. We just finished watching it. Silly little love ditty about Girl from Pakistan meeting true blue Punjab-da-Puttar on a journey to India sometime back in the 70's. Boy likes Girl, Boy's balle-balle aunt and uncle like her...heck even the village kids like her (guess it pays to be Priety Zinta after all!!). As all good things come to an end, so must this frollicking on mere-desh-ki-dharti. Boy meets evil, evil Paki fiance (who has come all the way from Lahore to rescue her from Badmash Indian Boy) and has his hopes of fathering half -Pakistani children dashed to pieces. Boy and Girl part ways at railway station.

CUT CUT CUT - to a jail in present day Pakistan where Rani ooh-la-la Mukherjee is talking to a very shabby and old Punjab da puttar. Something must have gone wrong somewhere you wonder and then Rani ( being a smart Mukherjee babe and all that)asks the most important question in the movie - "yeh kahani station par hi khatam kyon nahi ho gayi"*. As you watch the convoluted storyline hiccup its way to an end after another 90 minutes, you realise the profundity of the question.

For folks who have not been fortunate to watch the movie, here's what happens next (spoiler warning's are not applicable to Bollywood Masala flicks)...after all the love-shove and long distance orgasmic experiences with background music, Boy lands in Pakistan with honorable intention of marrying girl. Girl's Dad throws tantrum and the Evil Fiance throws boy into prison. Boy languishes in prison for 22 years, heart broken Girl dumps Evil Fiance and goes to Boy's village in India and they both live happily till the Director and Rani Mukherjee come along and get the estranged lovers to re-unite.

Now we go answer Rani Mukherjee's earlier question - because the Theory of Evolution suggests so dah-lings. It was simply nature's way of keeping these two idiots from procreating and and adding variants of their dangerously mutated stupid genes to our allready polluted gene pool. That 's why they organise this elaborate charade to stay away from each other. Here are couple of possible scenario's that would have been enacted by beings with slightly higher IQ's; try them for a change:

  • At the train station, Girl decides she loves Boy and stays on in India. Evil Fiance hollers, weeps and cusses and then ultimately goes home. Boy gets Girl and also gets to keep sexy job and sexy outfit.
Pros: Movie would be shorter by 90 minutes.
Cons: They would fill their village with highly stupid children.

  • Girl goes to Pakistan, marries Evil Fiance. And then on suhaag raat (or whatever those Pakistani's call it) Girl does sexy item number and cons Evil Husband into sending her for a pleasure trip to India. Girl then walks straight through Wagah border into the waiting arms of the Boy. Tid-li-pom-pom pom...
Pros: No need to give Dad untimely heart attack, Girl gets to do Item Number and makes audience very, very happy. Evil Fiance gets the KL_ _( you know what!!) treatment. No heart wrenching, stomach churning at the sight of a weepy Shahrukh. Movie shorter by 60 minutes.
Cons: Great risk to moral values and the thousand year old sabhayta (civilization/culture). Imminent revolt by the aunty's who bought box seats to watch Shahrukh weep for a full three hours?...and don't forget those genetic mutants who would result from the union.

  • Boy refuses to accept Evil Fiance's evil offer and instead disgraces Girl's family honor.
Pros: Evil Fiance would be happy as he does not like the situation anyway. Boy would get Girl (who would have no where to go by now and go home). We would go home earlier too.
Cons: Apart from the danger of them procreating and those murderous Aunty's, nothing much.

So now, who do you think should be in the director's chair??? The other interesting thing about the movie was the fact that the boyfriend (as in mine) kept hoping against hope, till the very end that the movie Boy would actually go "oopsie-I-think-I-like-the younger-Rani- and-not-the-hag-like-Preity". Alas, it did not happen. Its the Mukherjee name I tell you -it has that effect on people.


* Why did this story not end in the station?

PS: A lot of the finer details have been left out to protect the all ready compromised sanity of the writer and also your unsullied grey matter. But for those who watch Hindi films in general, here are a couple of questions to ponder about:
  • Does Shahrukh get paid by bucket...as in the more he weeps, the more he earns. Ever since Devdas the guy just cannot seem to control his lachyrmal glands anymore.
  • Why do I keep bumping into Amitabh Bachchan hamming away to glory in every other film nowadays?

6 comments:

GREATBONG said...

Brilliant...simply brilliant.

Anoop said...

You are trying to think too much. Its a Yash Chopra flick for chrissakes, not a Bergman movie. Boy meets girl, and they have a nice time for a couple of days (of course, like 'good' Indian boys and girls, they don't touch, don't kiss). and then the boy spends 22 years in a Pakistani jail to protect the honor of a girl he has known for only two days. Is this believable?
But then, its like what Amitabh Bachchan said (in an NPR interview, if i am right) - "We are too much, We are unbelievable"

Ayush said...

Suggestion 4: Shorten movie by 192 minutes. Save money!

bluesky said...

Glad I didnt watch it !! Interesting variations though :)

bluesky said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anyesha said...

greatbong: Thank you.

anoop: absolutely correct. Look at what we have achieved as a country with a combination of no thinking and apathy!!

ayush: good idea..shall follow next time.

bluesky: good, don't..follow ayush's advice.