Well S, the situation at our (DC) Zoo isn’t any better. The main attraction is supposed to be this pair of Panda bears who were sent over from China (outsourced huh!!) to copulate and populate this zoo (I understand those cuddly bears are endangered and everything but couldn’t they do all this in China –judging by numbers the Chinese are at least more successful in the reproduction business than the people of the New World). But ever since they got here they have developed murderous tendencies towards each other and refuse to even sit next to each other!!! And it doesn’t really help that the zoo is next door to Adams Morgan which is where the residents DC (“Capital of the Free World”) go to indulge in some night time frolicking …please if your neighbors were keeping you awake night after night with their drunken yowling I am sure you would find it rather difficult to get into the procreating mood. Anyways the last time I saw them, the male Panda was enjoying his siesta in his air conditioned enclave, the female was sitting around and contently chewing some bamboo shoots and a bunch of dyspeptic scientists were hovering around a computer nearby (a sign told us that the scientists were busy taking measurements to predict “Will They or Won’t They!!!)..I should have probably suggested candles, soft music and dim lights.
All of this got me thinking of some really scary scenarios. What if the SD weather does not agree with S’s Bengal Bandar (BB) and he starts mopping around for his lady love who has been left behind on distant shores or even worse – the no smoking policy in the SD zoo induces withdrawal sysmptoms in our chain smoking BB. Then there is Rowdy Ragini – she might just get a stomach upset from all the meat that the SD zookeepers might insist on feeding her( Indian tigers I was once told are vegetarian as oppposed to the meat eating corrupt tigers of the West). In my experience a groaning and moaning tigress is incapable of inspiring awe among the ogling kids or of commanding the respect of fellow carnivores. Forget all about inspiring awe and commanding respect, a depressed tigress might actually induce depression in the males….so bottom line….outsourcing will not work…what these zoo animals need is a TV in their enclaves which has Oprah on it 24/7. Every time these antisocial animals even think about going inside to catch a quick nap, they will be confronted by the nightmare of the Mistress of the Eternal Glee coaxing them to get their lives together and then writing all about that experience for her Book Club . A few of these sessions will have them suddenly seeking human company and spending more time outdoors!!! I know it works..it worked for me…a couple of episodes of Oprah and her minions on daytime TV increased my motivation to find a job like the prospect of unemployment never could!!!
PS: The title was the result of my imagination taking a sudden detour and my mind savouring the prospect of some INS bloke in the belly of an enraged tigress whose visa application he denied!!!
PPS: For those who know me...I am on a Friday morning high and nothing else. I will return to blogging about stuff I normally blog about once this high wears off.